Some women are just awesome!

[Two women were chatting in office.. ]

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

[At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.. ]

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

Funny Stuffs

Longest Tennis Match Ever

Funny Definitions

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Boss is someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Life Insurance - A contract that keeps you Poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Just Wondering

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk and screwed a parrot. I'm just wondering you were my son."

How to Recruit the Right Person for the Right Job?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze the situation..

If they are counting the bricks, Put them in the
Accounts Department.

If they are recounting again and again, Put them in
Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, Put them in
Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in
Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in
Operations.

If they are sleeping, Put them in
Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in
Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle, Put them in
Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combination, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in
Sales.

If they have already left for the day, Put them in
Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, Put them on
Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,

Congratulate them and put them in
Top Management

23 Ways To Annoy People In A Lift

1) CRACK open your bag, look inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Mr. Bean.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” – and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when someone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

23) When the lift is going down scream “we’re gonna die”

Letter For Asking To Increase Salary

Dear Bo$$

In thi$life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
John


The next day, he received this letter of reply :

Oh my dear:

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Boss

Globalization?

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Why?????

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, riding in a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.

This is posted by a
Canadian, using
American Bill Gates' technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses
Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by
Indian truck drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexican illegals..... ..

That is Globalization!!!

Jokes of the Day

Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Confident vs. Confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Types of Girls

INTERNET GIRLS

Difficult to access

***********

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS

She make horrible thing look beautiful

***********

SCREENSAVER GIRLS

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

***********

RAM GIRLS

she forget about you, the moment turn her off

***********

WINDOW GIRLS

everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

***********

VIRUS GIRLS

Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything.. .

***********

SERVER GIRLS

Always busy when you need her.

Stupid Questions & Smart Answers (1)

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.


GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...


GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??


GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple


GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??


BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??


BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??


SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.


MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.


WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


GIRL : "....And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
BOY : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Stupid Questions & Smart Answers (2)

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".


Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".


Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"


Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman"..


Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".


Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".


Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".


Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."


Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Computer Joke 4

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."

Computer Joke 3

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number "7".
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Computer Joke 2

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Computer Joke 1

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Got any fruits?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any fruits?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any fruits?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve fruits, has never served fruits and, furthermore, will never serve fruits." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve fruits! If you ask for fruits again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any fruits?"

(P.S.. If you don't understand, please read it again and again.)

No Problem

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

(P.S.. If you don't understand, please read it again and again.)

Photoshop Power

Be careful when you post your photo onto internet... :)

Weather Forecasting Stone