U and I

Every time I look at the computer keyboard, "U" and "I" are always together.

Stupid Questions & Smart Answers (1)

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.


GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...


GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??


GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple


GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??


BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??


BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??


SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.


MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.


WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


GIRL : "....And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
BOY : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Stupid Questions & Smart Answers (2)

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".


Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".


Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"


Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman"..


Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".


Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".


Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".


Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".


Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."


Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

How To Say "I Love You "

English - I love you
>> Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
>> Albanian - Te dua
>> Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
>> Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
>> Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
>> Bambara - M'bi fe
>> Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
>> Bengali - Ami tomake bhalo bashi
>> Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
>> Bulgarian - Obicham te
>> Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
>> Chinese - Wo ai ne
>> Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
>> Catalan - T'estimo
>> Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
>> Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
>> Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
>> Creol - Mi aime jou
>> Croatian - Volim te
>> Czech - Miluji te
>> Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
>> Dutch - Ik hou van jou
>> Esperanto - Mi amas vin
>> Estonian - Ma armastan sind
>> Ethiopian - Afgreki'
>> Faroese - Eg elski teg
>> Farsi - Doset daram
>> Filipino - Mahal kita
>> Finnish - Min rakastan sinua
>> French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
>> Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
>> Georgian - Mikvarhar
>> German - Ich liebe dich
>> Greek - S'agapo
>> Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
>> Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
>> Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
>> Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
>> Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
>> Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
>> Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
>> Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
>> Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
>> Hungarian - Szeretlek
>> Icelandic - Eg elska tig
>> Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
>> Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
>> Inuit - Negligevapse
>> Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
>> Italian - Ti amo
>> Japanese - Aishiteru
>> Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
>> Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
>> Kiswahili - Nakupenda
>> Korean - Sarang Heyo
>> Latin - Te amo
>> Latvian - Es tevi miilu
>> Lebanese - Bahibak
>> Lithuanian - Tave myliu
>> Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
>> Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
>> Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
>> Mohawk - Kanbhik
>> Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
>> Myanmar - Chit Tal
>> Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
>> Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
>> Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
>> Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
>> Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
>> Persian - Doo-set daaram
>> Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
>> Polish - Kocham Ciebie
>> Portuguese - Eu te amo
>> Romanian - Te ubesk
>> Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
>> Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
>> Serbian - Volim te
>> Setswana - Ke a go rata
>> Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
>> Sioux - Techihhila
>> Slovak - Lu`bim ta
>> Slovenian - Ljubim te
>> Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
>> Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
>> Swedish - Jag lskar dig
>> Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
>> Tagalog - Mahal kita
>> Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
>> Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
>> Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
>> Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
>> Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
>> Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
>> Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
>> Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
>> Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoon
>> Vietnamese - Anh yeu em (to female)
>> Vietnamese - Em yeu anh (to male)
>> Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
>> Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh lib
>> Yoruba - Mo ni fe e
>> Zulu - Ndiyathanda

Your Name In My Heart

I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away...
I wrote your name in the sand, but the wave washed it away...
I wrote your name in my heart, it will stay forever...

Computer Joke 4

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."

Computer Joke 3

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number "7".
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Computer Joke 2

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Computer Joke 1

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Got any fruits?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any fruits?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any fruits?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve fruits, has never served fruits and, furthermore, will never serve fruits." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve fruits! If you ask for fruits again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any fruits?"

(P.S.. If you don't understand, please read it again and again.)

No Problem

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

(P.S.. If you don't understand, please read it again and again.)

Photoshop Power

Be careful when you post your photo onto internet... :)

Weather Forecasting Stone

You Should

- Work, as if you don't need money,
- Love, as if you've never been hurt,
- Dance, as if nobody can see you,
- Sing, as if no one can hear,
- Live, as if the Earth was a heaven.

A Story Of Marriage/ Divorce/ Death

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions… She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce.. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. I know how her heart could not bear to hear my last words now. I still carried her, my last one…this time with my wreatched heart.

Wish My Tears Had Wings

Lies In Your Eyes

Will You Still Love Me?

Why U So Like That Ah? (Singlish Song)

Just To Make Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. BANG!!!!!!.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Zero Gravity - Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in
* zero gravity,
* upside down,
* underwater,
* any surface including glass and
* at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
But the Russians used a pencil.

Baby or Monkey?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her,
"That driver just insulted me!"
The man says,
"You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Typing Error 3

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said to "Put 'Getting older but getting better'". The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?" The man said
"Well...put 'You are getting older' at the top and 'But you are getting better' at the bottom."
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read
"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom".

Typing Error 2

A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife
- "I wish you were here."
The message received by the wife was
- "I wish you were her."

Typing Error 1

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her
B.Ed exams, which the father received as
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

Don't Die For It

Remember, you may find love and lose it.
But when it dies, you never have to die with it...

Broken Heart

Fixing someone's broken heart is much more like treating sickness...
No matter how hard you try, if you're not the medicine, you can never cure the pain...

Relationship

Relationships are not about whom you've known the longest, or who cared first, or who cared best...
It's all about who came and never left...

What is Love?

"Love"
Everyone talks about it,
but no one really knows about it...